The most creative thing...

this campus has seen in 25 years! A back-patting comment I received at a final presentation this week, what a way to kick off my three-day vacation. Albeit it was for some proposed traffic calming measures, which didn't seem all that out of the ordinary to me. But hey, I'll take it. Makes me feel good about work anyway.

This vacation has been feeling like a whole-body purge: I started with my birthday chiropractic adjustment (6 months late), which has left me feeling achy for 2 days; followed by catching up on sleep--basically two catnaps, one on the trip down and one as we were waiting to leave for dinner at Morimoto; and daily dips in the pool and hot tub. I'm still trying to work the tendinitis out of my elbow, it's pretty painful.

I'm also trying not to be anal about schedule and feeling rushed for time. If we make it to the aquarium today, I'll be set for vacation goals. We made it to the cabinet place, only to find that they won't work for our kitchen due to the odd size. We're on to plan B, which is basically back to Lowes/Home Depot, with a little pencil sharpening and harder negotiations.

Still the same

I suppose it should be quite telling that here I am, over a year since the last post, and I still feel the same. It should not be a surprise that it's the same time of year, the darkest and coldest of days, and the eternity of snow.

I don't know why I feel so awful all the time. It feels like I'm one of those plate spinners, balancing precious things I don't want to break. It's like waiting for a sneeze, anticipating everything coming down and crashing all around me. I feel like I'm going to fail at something inevitably, it's just a matter of time.

I know I haven't been living life for some time now, mostly just tolerating it and in autopilot. But I don't know how to change that--I still have to wake up, make breakfast, get kids ready, go to work, work, come home, make or eat dinner, get kids to bed, go to bed. I'm not really having any fun, even the fun things don't really feel fun, they feel like work.

I started reading for the first time in ages the other day; it started off as enjoyable, but now it feels like work again. I just want to FINISH. Everything seems to be about finishing these days, and not wanting to start another thing that I will just have to finish. I can remember my dad saying, Don't start anything you can't finish...and it makes me want to do nothing at all. How do I get past this feeling?

I hate this seething feeling. All the time now I ask myself, Did I really say that? Why did I say that? I just need to keep my mouth shut.

Awake

I've got too much on my mind these days, and once again can't sleep. It used to just be some dad issues, and not being able to get over my grief. But now it seems to be displaced by career decisions, buying/selling houses, Grammy's placement, and not making enough money.

Enough money, enough money for what? It seemed that two months ago it was enough money. My dad's voice haunts me, that I should have been a doctor. Maybe if I had, I'd have enough money. I don't even want *stuff*, I just want a slightly bigger house and enough to provide for my family. So now it's not enough money.

I still don't know what I want out of work. Two months ago, I didn't really care. It's a paycheck, it's a job I like. But now I have to think about where I am, where I want to be, and who I am. I look back at my eleven years and wonder if I've wasted my time. I wonder if I've worked so hard to be so painfully average.

At this point, I feel like I have to sort out what's for me, and what's for work. Since day one I've always been thinking about how to make things better--but it hasn't quite paid off. It's going to take some effort to turn off that part of my brain. I need to find a way to refocus that time and energy into something that benefits myself or my family.

Some friends had mentioned that they refocus and remind themselves that work is for their family, but I'm not sure that's 100% true for me. Part of it is for me, it seems such an integral part of who I am. Now that I think of it, it's where all of my creative energy has been channeled, to the point that maybe I don't really have much creativity left at all. Maybe I just need to refocus that energy. I stopped drawing, reading and other activities ever since I finished school, because I was so focused on work. It's sad, I want Graem and Emmy to learn to paint and draw, and I really want to do it with them, but I don't feel like I have the energy to do it. It feels draining and frustrating just thinking about it. Maybe if I reallocate my efforts...everything else will fall into place.

I want stillness, stasis in my life. I miss walking, hiking, biking. Even though I'd be moving, there was a point-of-reference shift that made me slow down. I just want this feeling of unease, discontent and anxiety to go away. Is it bad to want a dumbed-down version of life?

Can't sleep

I suppose it's due to the large amounts of coffee I've been drinking lately. I've had multiple deadlines this week (oh wait, it's only Monday), and I'm paying the price for not having worked weekends the last few weeks. It's just been hard with the short days and feeling like I don't have any daylight hours with my family.

I will probably end up going in to the office soon, in spite of the Dark and Stormy Night. I have a meeting at 10AM with a particularly needy client who will want to discuss three different projects. I haven't even plotted anything yet.

I got sidetracked the last couple of days by a project that dropped out of the sky and into my lap. We needed to put together a working presentation drawing for a public workshop, and unfortunately, the files were in Microstation. After spending several hours trying to plot something decent from Microstation, I finally had to give up and convert everything to AutoCAD so I could have more control over lineweight and overall printing. That took about 6 hours!

I have a grading plan that's due to another client by Wednesday, and I've hardly even started. Never mind the fact that I'm taking a road trip on Wednesday to visit yet another project I've never even seen, yet have done nearly 85% drawings!

If I can only make it to Wednesday, I might make it to Thanksgiving.

A sign seen on the way to one of our projects

I *think* Canada's the best option....

I can so relate!

Someone sent this to me today, I am probably way behind the webtimes:

Things I've learned...

In the nearly ten years I've been practicing as a landscape architect, I've learned a few things (to be continuously updated):

• Don't be cheap. It's not worth not repaving that one patch of asphalt, that other piece of sidewalk, or filling in that planting bed. In the end, no one remembers that they didn't have enough money; what they do remember is, "How come we never finished that??" Besides, you never know: the gods could smile upon you and bids come in low.
  
• Corollary to the above: STUFF the planting beds full. In the end, it looks beautiful and that is what counts. In the scheme of things (say, a $14 million dollar building), no one will notice that you spent a few more dollars on 20 more shrubs. AND pick the biggest size plant available.
  
• There is no such thing as a good contractor (no offense to contractors out there!). Even the best contractor can't read your mind, so you need to be a good designer (I'm sure contractors say there is no such thing as a good designer!) and put as much information as possible on your drawings, and meet with them.
  
• Put spot elevations everywhere. Tops and bottoms of curbs, especially at curb ramps. Too many times have we had to act out curb ramps and flush curbs with interpretive dance!