Awake

I've got too much on my mind these days, and once again can't sleep. It used to just be some dad issues, and not being able to get over my grief. But now it seems to be displaced by career decisions, buying/selling houses, Grammy's placement, and not making enough money.

Enough money, enough money for what? It seemed that two months ago it was enough money. My dad's voice haunts me, that I should have been a doctor. Maybe if I had, I'd have enough money. I don't even want *stuff*, I just want a slightly bigger house and enough to provide for my family. So now it's not enough money.

I still don't know what I want out of work. Two months ago, I didn't really care. It's a paycheck, it's a job I like. But now I have to think about where I am, where I want to be, and who I am. I look back at my eleven years and wonder if I've wasted my time. I wonder if I've worked so hard to be so painfully average.

At this point, I feel like I have to sort out what's for me, and what's for work. Since day one I've always been thinking about how to make things better--but it hasn't quite paid off. It's going to take some effort to turn off that part of my brain. I need to find a way to refocus that time and energy into something that benefits myself or my family.

Some friends had mentioned that they refocus and remind themselves that work is for their family, but I'm not sure that's 100% true for me. Part of it is for me, it seems such an integral part of who I am. Now that I think of it, it's where all of my creative energy has been channeled, to the point that maybe I don't really have much creativity left at all. Maybe I just need to refocus that energy. I stopped drawing, reading and other activities ever since I finished school, because I was so focused on work. It's sad, I want Graem and Emmy to learn to paint and draw, and I really want to do it with them, but I don't feel like I have the energy to do it. It feels draining and frustrating just thinking about it. Maybe if I reallocate my efforts...everything else will fall into place.

I want stillness, stasis in my life. I miss walking, hiking, biking. Even though I'd be moving, there was a point-of-reference shift that made me slow down. I just want this feeling of unease, discontent and anxiety to go away. Is it bad to want a dumbed-down version of life?