Still the same

I suppose it should be quite telling that here I am, over a year since the last post, and I still feel the same. It should not be a surprise that it's the same time of year, the darkest and coldest of days, and the eternity of snow.

I don't know why I feel so awful all the time. It feels like I'm one of those plate spinners, balancing precious things I don't want to break. It's like waiting for a sneeze, anticipating everything coming down and crashing all around me. I feel like I'm going to fail at something inevitably, it's just a matter of time.

I know I haven't been living life for some time now, mostly just tolerating it and in autopilot. But I don't know how to change that--I still have to wake up, make breakfast, get kids ready, go to work, work, come home, make or eat dinner, get kids to bed, go to bed. I'm not really having any fun, even the fun things don't really feel fun, they feel like work.

I started reading for the first time in ages the other day; it started off as enjoyable, but now it feels like work again. I just want to FINISH. Everything seems to be about finishing these days, and not wanting to start another thing that I will just have to finish. I can remember my dad saying, Don't start anything you can't finish...and it makes me want to do nothing at all. How do I get past this feeling?

I hate this seething feeling. All the time now I ask myself, Did I really say that? Why did I say that? I just need to keep my mouth shut.